So who wants to go to the mall? Do a little shopping, see a movie...

Shoot spitballs off the balcony at old people,

Don't judge me.

Don't you guys have school?

Nope, school's shut down for two days.

Rat infestation!

You're welcome.

Lucky. We have ghost school.

As if I need help being a scarier ghost.

(ALL) Don't snap!

Good. I see you all agree.

Oh, man, Miles. (CHUCKLES)

Can't believe they make you wear that stupid uniform.

We don't have to wear uniforms.

This is the outfit I picked out.

It's nice.

Well, I'm out of here.

Don't you wish we could go to ghost world see what it's like?

(SIGHS) Sorry, ladies, ghosts only.

But even if you could enter,

you got to be a top-level dude like me

to know how to use this portal.

The man.

(YELLING)

Oh!

(YELLING)

Morning, Mr. Preston.

(COUGHS)

Whoo.

The man.

(LAUGHS)

(YELLS)

(Spooky rock music)

# If you move # into a haunted house

# you gotta try # to work things out

# so if you're living # with a ghost or three

# you gotta be # one big, semiscary family.

# Don't know # how we ended up this way,

# but I guess you could call us

# the Haunted Hathaways!

# the Haunted Hathaways!

# the Haunted Hathaways!

# the Haunted Hathaways! #

A human family wanted to live in our house

Of course, my dad scared them away.

I mean, what are we gonna do?

Share our house with people?

(BOTH) (LAUGH)

(LAUGHING HARDER) Of course not.

That'd be crazy.

Louie, what about your dad?

You used to tell us all about his epic haunts.

What's he been up to?

Oh, man, he's been up to some pretty crazy stuff.

-Cool. Like what?

Like...

My pops has been made a toplevel secret agent.

Dude goes all over ghost world

on these super dangerous missions.

Cool.

Like what?

You just like details, don't you?

(Bell clanging)

-Okay, students, before we start,

tomorrow is career day.

(DULL) Yay.

Please invite your parents to class to talk about their jobs.

The details are on here.

-I bet your dad's gonna have some cool secret agent stories.

(CHUCKLES) I'm not sure he can make it.

He might be busy fighting ghost aliens.

Or have jury duty.

-You didn't make that stuff up about your dad, right?

You think I made it up?

Okay, fine. I'll get him here.

Get ready, cause you're gonna meet the baddest ghost around:

Secret agent Ray Preston.

While I love the sparrow, the swan is way more festive.

-Aw, thanks.

We're hosting a girl's birthday party on Thursday

and they want it to be "très" classy.

It's going to be white gloves, high tea,

and most importantly, make mama some moola.

-Stay classy.

-Girls, I need some help.

(BOTH) Not it. I said it first!

-Haven't I taught you there's nothing more important

than helping others?

Not sure. You're a riot.

I can't believe it it's Clay Bannister,

the food critic for the "Taste of New Orleans".

Yeah, the one who wanted to review the bakery but was scared away.

Ray made him lay eggs and blow steam out his butt.

Oh, the good old days.

-Two corn muffins to go, and make it snappy.

-Welcome, back Mr. Bannister.

I like your sweatpants.

Sporty.

-I'm so glad,

because I wear them every day.

It's not like I have a job.

-Oh, did something happen? -Yeah, something happened.

I walked into this house of horrors

and laid eggs... (VOICE BREAKING) like a chicken.

I made it my screen saver.

I'll let you grownups talk.

I tried reporting what happened,

but no one believed me.

I lost my job,

and my family thinks I'm a crackpot.

When I get the crankies, I get my hair done.

Oh, I can't believe I'm here.

Mother insisted we stop in.

She's in the car.

-Well, at least she stuck by you.

-She's the one who fired me. Mother runs the paper.

Now she calls me Kookmeister Clay.

-And you don't like that?

-Kookmeister!

What is the holdup?

Oh, let me guess, you're stuck in a line of ghosts.

Ooh.

(LAUGHS)

Seriously, kick it into gear, loony tunes

-Thanks again for the muffins.

and ruining my life.

You're welcome! Tell a friend!

-Frankie, that man's in a lot of pain.

You know what, it's time you girls learn about helping others.

We'll invite Clay and his mom and prove he's not crazy.

Mom, we can't show her we live with ghosts.

No, we'll just show her enough

to prove sometimes weird, unexplainable things happen.

(YELLS)

(COUGHS)

Crashed into a ghost bird on the way back.

So remember,

today at school, you're pretending to be my dad,

and a secret agent.

Got it, Stewie.

It's Louie.

(Knocking on door)

Where's Ray?

We need him to scare the snot out of an old lady.

Hi, I'm Ray Preston, a secret agent.

I battle ghost aliens.

Not yet!

Okay. Hi! I'm Lorenzo.

What's going on, Louie?

So I kind of told everyone at school my dad is a supersecret agent

who captures and destroys ghost aliens.

No one's gonna believe you're related to him.

Of course they will.

We have identical biceps.

Wow, it's like I'm looking at twins.

See you at school, Lorenzo!

Who's Lorenzo? Gah! Nobody. A friend. Nobody

You're acting weird. Weird?

I'm just a kid looking forward to a fun day of learning.

Come on, son.

I'm a parent. My senses are finely tuned

to let me know if anything strange is going on with my boys.

Nothing gets past me.

Nothing.

Hey, pops!

Hey, Miles.

What is that?

Presenting the ghost groomer 3000!

It's the world's first ghost shower.

Great idea,

except ghosts don't shower.

We do now, Mr. Lazybones.

Dab goop on me and I'll show you.

Happy to help.

Uh-oh. Blue goop.

Whatever will I do?

(Phone ringing)

That's enough. Go for Ray.

Mr. Dobson!

Career day? No, Louie didn't mention it.

See you then.

-Oh, Ray, did Frankie tell you

we need your help to scare Mrs. Bannister tomorrow?

-Wish I could, but I'm hosting band practice.

-But couldn't you reschedule your little music thingie?

-"Little music thing?" You are talking about Ray Preston,

a sax player who's so good that Louie's teacher

asked me to come speak to his class.

He said, and I quote,

"We look forward to hosting a celebrity."

Ce-le-bri-ty.

-Hey! Get back here!

I'm teaching my daughters to be nice people,

you big bag of wind!

We can't make people fart steam or lay eggs without ghosts.

I know. We were Clay's one shot.

Oh, I feel awful.

I'm devastated.

Maybe an hour of shopping might help dull the pain.

All done folding the napkins.

Instead of swans, I went with human skulls.

You're welcome.

You are a scary little girl.

Wait, that's it.

Frankie, I want you to use all your creepy talents

to create a scare that will make Mrs. Bannister

question her very sanity.

I won't let you down.

When I'm done with her,

they'll have to cart her away.

Okay, Lorenzo, let's review.

You're a secret agent,

you fight space aliens

and most importantly,

my name is Louie.

You say it.

Louie. This is fun.

Oh, no! What's he doing here?

(CHUCKLES) Dad!

What a pleasant surprise! (CHUCKLES)

(SERIOUS) Okay, see you at home.

Louie, I'm here for your career day.

Your teacher called. You forgot to tell me.

No!

(Bell clanging)

-Mr. Preston, a grateful nation sends its thanks.

-Okay.

-Louie, I can't believe you got your dad to come.

This is too cool.

-What do you think is in his case?

Probably his laser blaster.

I'm so doomed.

-Everyone, please welcome agent Preston.

(RAY) Thank you.

Actually, it's Ray Preston.

Hey, kids. I'm Louie's dad,

and my first question is,

can anyone tell me what a woodwind is?

Then it's a good thing I'm here.

A woodwind is... -Excuse me.

What are you doing?

-What?

-It's just that the kids

want to hear about your secret agent job.

-My secret what now?

-How you fight ghost aliens from other planets.

Louie's told us all about it.

His stories gave me chills.

(Fire alarm ringing)

Fire alarm! Everybody out!

-Louie. Sorry, dad.

No time. Find your buddy and exit.

-I'll be your buddy.

Son, why would you lie

and tell everyone I was a secret agent?

'Cause I didn't think anyone would buy you as a sumo wrestler.

Louie, I thought I raised you better.

-We're very disappointed, "Gooie".

-Get out.

-Okey-doke. You got my card, and...

(SWEDISH ACCENT) I also do a Swedish accent.

I want a real answer, Louie.

Now. Fine...

I was embarrassed, okay?

All the kids were telling stories about the cool scares their dads do.

I didn't have any.

(SIGHS) You know I don't scare

because we live with the Hathaways now.

Tomorrow you will march into that class

and tell everyone the truth.

I can't do that! I'm Louie Preston.

I have a reputation to uphold.

(YELLS)

Ow, man.

This isn't even my backpack!

Okay, the Bannisters will be here any second.

How're we looking?

Good to go. The lights are set to flicker.

Ooh, nice.

Chairs will float thanks to that fishing line.

And Mrs. Bannister's cushion is all rigged.

And what haunt would be complete without scary noises?

(Deep, spooky groaning)

Oh, my! That is creepy.

I recorded you sleeping.

You should see a doctor.

(GASPS) They're here.

Hello, Bannisters.

Thank you so much for accepting our invitation.

-I'm only here because someone threatened to cancel my cable.

-Indoor voice, whackadoo.

Oh, wait, there are only two place settings.

Where are the goblins and werewolves to sit?

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

-Will you excuse me for a second?

Mrs. Appleby, what are you doing here?

-We're here for little Priscilla's tea party, of course.

-Which is scheduled for the 16th.

Mrs. Appleby, not to embarrass you, but today is only...

(SCREAMING) The 16th!

Are you kidding me?

-Miss Hathaway, we paid for an elegant tea party.

Now, if you're not prepared...

-What? (BABBLING) Of course I am.

Make yourself comfortable.

Get ready for elegant.

Mayday! Mayday!

All right, how about some "Summertime"?

One, two, three, four...

(MICHELLE) "Hey! Open up! Napkin emergency!"

-Just some weird neighborhood lady.

I'll just scare her away.

-Hey, what's up?

(MIMICS GHOST HOWLING)

(COUGHS) Throat tickle.

-Ray, I need my classy bird napkins. Why is the door locked?

-Is it?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) The hinges must have rusted. Darn!

Well, back to band practice.

-Why don't you want me in there? -Well...

My buddies may have the impression only ghosts live here.

-Why would they think that? -Because that's what I told them.

-Wait, didn't you tell me you were mad at Louie

for doing that exact same thing lying to look cool to his buddies?

-What? No. This situation is totally different.

Isn't it?

-No, but I don't have time to argue because I'm elegant, Ray!

Gentlemen, the ghost groomer 3000.

It'll leave your form feeling clean and warm.

Who wants to try it out first?

-Miles, it's not a good time.

I'm sensing some reservations.

Allow me to demonstrate.

See, I'm cleaner already.

(YELLING) Uh, hey, hey, that's enough!

Help! Ah! Make it stop!

Ah, refreshing.

-No way I'd get in that thing. It looks like an alien.

-What did you say? -That it looks like an alien.

I love these swan napkins.

This is very classy.

Okay, we have a tea party to put on.

I thought we were supposed to be getting Clay his life back.

What happened to helping others and making the world a better place?

We'll take shorter showers.

-Oh, may we have... -Bup, bup, bup.

Sorry for the confusion, Mrs. Appleby.

-Ms. Hathaway, I thought I was clear

that I wanted this to be elegant and tasteful.

-Trust me, this tea party will be the epitome of elegance.

One little side note: The violinist couldn't make it.

However... (CLEARS THROAT)

# Are you going # to Scarborough fair... #

Apparently not.

Back in a jiff.

-Can we please go? This place gives me the creeps.

-Oh, well, now, what is scaring you the most?

The six-year-old holding the balloon bouquet?

(LAUGHS)

-Do you just like torturing me?

-Clay, until you realize there's no such thing as ghosts,

no one will ever be able help you.

-I can help you.

Girls, reverse course.

No sale is as important as helping others.

Frankie, release the hounds.

Yes! Mom, I would so hug you right now.

Mmm. You know, if I was a hugger.

Taylor, you know what to do.

Locked and ready to go.

(Deep, spooky groaning)

-They're back.

-What is that horrible sound?

It's not human!

-I really do need to see a doctor.

(GIRLS) (SCREAMING)

(BANNISTERS) (SCREAMING)

(MRS BANNISTER) (YELLS)

-Who's crazy now, mother?

-(SCREAMING)

-I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

You can have your job back.

Just get me out of this freak show.

-Thanks. You don't know how happy I am.

(Deep, spooky groaning)

-Before we start, Mr. Preston has an announcement.

And this better not be an excuse to fart the alphabet again.

Heh. (CLEARS THROAT)

Good morning, class.

So the other day

I told you my father was a secret agent.

Well, the truth is...

-The truth is,

I'm the number one secret agent in ghost world.

Dad, what are you doing?

I don't know.

Maybe getting ready to kick some alien butt!

Students,

when I came to speak to you yesterday,

I was interrupted by a fire alarm.

I now know who may be responsible for pulling that alarm:

A ghost-eating space alien!

-What are you gonna do, agent Preston?

-(SIGHS) -I'm not sure.

He's as ruthless as it gets.

Ruthless with a capital R!

(ROARS)

I am the ghost groomer 3000

'cause I clean away the scum.

-Sweep the leg!

(STUDENTS) (CHEERING AND SHOUTING)

(LAUGHING) Stop it. It really tickles.

I think you should take him down, pops.

Quickly.

-Okay, you. It's time to take out the trash.

Judo chop!

Ow, ow, ow!

(COUGHING DRAMATICALLY)

Goodbye, puny earthlings.

I regret nothing.

Stay in school.

-That was awesome.

-So cool.

That's my dad.

-All right, I'm off to fight my next battle.

Be safe. Pops, wait!

I have an announcement to make.

You don't have to do that now.

Yeah, I do.

Listen up.

Not only is my pops a great secret agent,

he's also an awesome musician.

He can play the sax like nobody's business,

and I'm really proud and happy that he's my dad.

Thanks, Louie.

No, thank you, dad,

for keeping my cool reputation intact.

(YELLS)

(LAUGHS) Whoo!

The man.

Ms. Hathaway!

You have ruined my little girl's birthday party!

Those poor girls are probably scarred for life.

(GIRLS) (LAUGHING)

See, it was all make-believe.

All you do is pull on this wire. You try.

It really does feel good to help other people.

Our mother is very wise.

-Skull napkin?

(Closing theme)