(Holiday music)

(Tires screeching)

Merry Christmas, kids!

I bet you're wondering why ol' patchy has this mail truck.

Well, this year,

I wanted to be absolutely sure Santa got me letter,

so I gave Mr. Mailman the day off.

-(MUFFLED) (CRYING)

-Do you even know how to get to the North Pole?

-Oh, potty, you silly parrot.

Everybody knows the directions to the North Pole

are right in the lyrics of the song "Jingle Bells".

# Dashing through the snow... #

(MUMBLING)

# Through the fields we go...

# Fa, la, la, la, la! #

So, we're looking for some fields.

-No, Patchy, the directions to the North Pole

are in the song "There Goes Santa Claus."

# There goes Santa Claus, # there goes Santa Claus,

# left on Santa Claus Drive. #

Scurvy brain.

-Yeah, well, we ain't turning 'til we see some fields.

-Look out, there's a fork in the road!

-I don't see no fork.

(Tension music)

(BOTH) (SCREAMING)

(Tires screeching)

(Frenetic music)

-(CALMLY) While we wait for the truck to stop spinning,

let's see what SpongeBob is up to this Christmas.

Ready for Christmas, kids?

(CHILDREN) Aye-aye, Captain!

-I can't hear you!

(CHILDREN) (LOUDER) Aye-aye, Captain!

-(SUSTAINED NOTE) Oh!

(CHILDREN) # Who lives # in a pineapple under the sea?

# SpongeBob SquarePants!

# Absorbent and yellow # and porous is he.

# SpongeBob SquarePants!

# If nautical nonsense # be something you wish...

# SpongeBob SquarePants!

# Then drop on the deck # and flop like a fish!

# SpongeBob SquarePants!

# Fa, la, la, la, la!

# Fa, la, la, la, la!

# Fa, la, la, la, la!

# SpongeBob...

# SquarePants!

(Bells ringing)

# Fa, la, la, la, la!

# Christmas! #

(Holiday music)

(Clock ticking)

(Bells jingling)

(Soft playing)

# Oh, it's drawing very near,

# my favorite time of year.

# The snow is falling # and the cold wind blows.

# Christmas is almost here.

# And I know # that Santa, Santa, Santa

# has his jolly little eyes on me.

# It keeps me warm # and filled with glee

# to know Santa # has his eyes on me.

# I light my house # like a Christmas tree.

# Fa, la, la, la, lee!

# 'Cause Santa, Santa, Santa # has his jolly little...

(Horn tooting)

# ...eyes on me. #

(Holiday music)

Hi, Squidward! What are you doing today?

# Stringing lights,

# so Santa knows # in no uncertain terms... #

(ANNOYED) to go away!

Okay.

# Santa, Santa, Santa

# has his jolly little eyes on me.

# He sees everything I do

# with his left eye on me # and his right eye on you. #

Oh, what's that?

It's a trap.

A trap for Santa!

Oh, baited with Christmas treats.

(TO "SUGAR PLUM FAIRY") # I will trap Santa

# in my box # locked up like Fort Knox,

# and make him stop the clocks.

# And we'll have Christmas

# all year long. #

Hey, a cookie!

# Oh, Santa, Santa, Santa

# has his jolly little eyes on me.

# Fa, la, la, la, lee!

# And who is that I see

# underneath her Christmas tree? #

# Oh, Christmas! Oh, Christmas!

# It's sweet mystery.

# I'll mix a dash # of Christmas cheer

# with a candy cane

# and deconstructed alchemy. #

Merry Christmas, Sandy.

Merry Christmas, SpongeBob.

# Santa, Santa, Santa

# has his jolly little eyes on me. #

Hi, Mr. Krabs! Are you ready for Christmas?

Why, Christmas is me favorite time of the year!

After all, 'tis the season of getting.

Don't you mean the season of giving?

Exactly!

The more you give, the more I get.

(CHUCKLING)

(Mysterious melody)

# Oh, Santa, Santa, Santa

# has his eye on me.

# He sees everything I've done,

# every plot, plan, and scheme.

# It's just a bit of fun.

# Santa has his eye on me.

# Every naughty deed # is written in his scroll.

# So, every Christmas morning,

# I get a stocking full of coal! #

-Maybe you would get a real present from Santa

if you weren't the biggest jerk in Bikini Bottom.

-I'm way ahead of you, Karen.

There is one element in the known universe

that can turn even the nicest sap into the biggest jerk they can be.

And I, Plankton, have discovered it.

Behold!

(SPOOKY VOICE) Jerktonium.

I'll give everyone in Bikini Bottom

a present of the most innocent of all holiday goodies,

the fruitcake.

And each and every slice will be laced with Jerktonium.

Once ingested, no one can help becoming

the biggest, creepiest, meanest jerk ever.

And Santa will realize that Sheldon J. Plankton

isn't so bad after all.

And then I'll finally get what I really want for Christmas...

the Krabby Patty secret formula.

(Oven dings)

(Suspenseful music)

And now for the main ingredient...

Jerktonium!

(Mysterious music)

Okay, Jerktonium, do your stuff.

It is complete.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(CHUCKLES) The Jerkmaker-9000

will make doling out tainted fruitcake a breeze.

Now, who's gonna be my first victim?

Hey, Plankton, what you got there?

(GASPS) Hey! Is that a fruitcake dispenser?

You don't suppose I could have a piece, do you?

(Ding)

Sure thing, fruitcake.

Here you go!

Hot from the oven and full of lovin'.

(SNIFFING) Oh!

Oh, hot, hot, hot!

(Playful music)

Wow, this is great!

So, how do you feel?

Kind of cranky? No.

Sort of surly?

Maybe just a little bit jerky? No.

I feel just like this cake tastes...

absolutely delicious!

Hmm... He must have gotten a piece without Jerktonium.

Here, try some more.

Don't mind if I do.

(PLEASED) Mmm. How's your dander?

Is it up? No.

How could I possibly be angry

when my taste buds are swimming in Christmas cheer?

-(TINY VOICE) Oh, boy! Here comes some more!

(ALL) (YELLING EXCITEDLY)

-(GRUNTS) Have some more!

Have a whole load!

Have a baker's dozen.

(DESPERATELY) Well?

Well...

I think everyone should taste your amazing fruitcake.

You know what?

Knock yourself out.

Stupid hunk of "junk-tonium"!

(MUTTERING) My gift to Bikini Bottom...

Boy, oh, boy.

(ALL) (CAROLING)

Hello, fellow revelers! Would you like a Christmas treat?

-Why, sure, SpongeBob. -Yeah, who doesn't like treats?

(Joyful music)

Nothing loosens up the old pipes like some fruitcake. Dig in!

-It's like a present for my mouth. I knew you'd like it.

Hey!

Did we come here to sing or eat fancy cake?

-Whoa, calm down, Bill. What do you wanna sing?

-I wanna sing the only Christmas song that matters,

and that's "Jingle Bells".

From the top! A one and a two and...

-No! Hold your holly!

We're singing the best Christmas song ever, "Silver Bells".

-Wrong bells, buddy.

-Hey! I wanna sing "Randolph, the Red-Nosed Seahorse."

-Oh, what is it with you and that song?

It's great to see people so passionate about the holidays.

(ALL) (YELLING) -What's all the racket?

What do you know?

The Jerktonium seems to work on these jerks.

Very interesting.

(Marching band playing)

Oh, boy, a Christmas parade!

The perfect occasion to spread some mouth-watering joy.

# Oh, everyone try # some hot fruitcake today.

# Eat it all up # and you will shout "Hooray!".

# Everyone can get behind

# a mouthful of warm sunshine.

# Everyone eat # a Christmas-time cliché. #

(CRYING)

# Everyone can get behind

# a mouthful of Christmas time.

# Let's all eat # some hot fruitcake today. #

(Somber music)

-This just keeps getting better and better.

(Marching band playing)

-Ho, ho, ho!

So, little boy, what would you like for Christmas?

-I want a sled, and a truck,

and a bike, and a train...

Hi, Santa! Have some fruitcake.

...and a water pistol, and a helicopter, and...

-Ho, ho, ho!

-Oh!

-Well, why don't you get a job and buy all that junk yourself?

And while you're at it, brush your teeth, you little...

Have some fruitcake! -Thanks.

That's it. I'm out of here.

(Music fades)

-(GROANS) -(YELLS EXCITEDLY)

Oh, yeah, and I want a trampoline!

-Success!

Soon all the Bikini Bottomites will be jerks!

Now I just need to figure out what to do about ol' SpongeBoy.

Once again, your master plan is fatally flawed.

It seems that SpongeBob's innocent love of the holiday

shields his heart from the effects of Jerktonium.

"(GIGGLING) That tickles."

-Drat! That square-head's gonna throw

my whole naughty-to-nice curve right off!

I guess it's time to introduce plan B.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Plan B, meet Karen.

Now go, my automated agent of naughtiness.

Go and destroy SpongeBob's good name!

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

(GRUNTING)

(ROBOTIC VOICE) "I am ready.

"I am ready.

"I am ready.

"Ready to destroy Christmas."

(Evil music)

What's going on out here?

Oh, it's just you, SpongeBob.

(YELLS)

-Oh, SpongeBob, you've been a bad, bad toy.

(Screaming)

(Playful holiday music)

I can't believe we survived

that horrifying car accident without a scratch.

Whoa! Oh!

Oh, here's the problem.

(Air hissing)

Oh, that's not good.

Flat tire, huh?

Looks as sad as an empty bag of beef.

(SHIVERS) It's cold up here.

Why don't you kids at home go make a nice hot cup of cocoa

while Potty builds me a fire?

(SHIVERING) Oh, hello, kiddies.

It's so cold! Me eye patch cracked.

(Crackling)

There hasn't been any food, or water, or food, or food

for over 20 minutes.

(COUGHING)

Boy, I could sure go for some buffalo wings

right about now.

Sounds good, eh, Potty?

(Sizzling)

(DREAMILY) With a side of blue cheese dressing.

(YELLS)

(CHOMPING)

-Ah, Patch! What are you doing?

-I'm sorry, Potty. I don't know what got into me.

I'm just so hungry.

-It's okay, Patchy.

I can't stay mad at you.

-Oh, hey...

Why are you looking at me like that?

What are you doing?

(Lively ukulele music).

Merry Christmas, fellas.

Ah, go stuff a stocking!

Gee, that wasn't very nice.

Season's greetings, Mr. Krabs!

(STAMMERS) Well, you got some nerve, SpongeBob.

This is coming out of your salary!

What's that all about?

Hey, Patrick. What you up to?

I think it's pretty obvious, SpongeBob.

I'm eating fruitcake and setting a tiger trap for Santa!

Now, if you don't mind, I'm kind of busy right now.

Yeesh, okay.

No need to be a jerk about it.

Everybody's on edge today.

Must be the holiday jitters.

Nosey body.

(GRUNTS)

Yay, it works!

Oh, hello, big striped shrimp.

(Growling)

(SCREAMING) Oh, no!

(Bells ringing)

Ah, Christmas Eve,

when all of Bikini Bottom is filled with goodwill.

(Holiday ukulele music)

Merry Christmas, Frankie.

-A merry Christmas to you, too, Johnny.

More like bad will.

Gosh, if people don't start acting nicer,

Santa's gonna fly right past Bikini Bottom

this Christmas Eve.

I'm gonna need some help.

Squidward!

I'm not home.

Oh, gosh. What do I do now?

Why don't you go bother Sandy?

Good idea, Squidward!

I'll thank you when you get home.

(Tension music)

(ANNOYED) I said I'm not home!

SpongeBob, give me back my door.

(GROANING)

Sandy! Sandy, I need your help!

It's Christmas Eve,

and everyone in Bikini Bottom are acting like jerks.

Help me find out why.

(CHEWING)

(GROWLING) (GASPS)

Why should I help all them jerks?

Because those jerks don't care about Christmas anymore, Sandy.

It's a problem. Problem?

My only problem is I'm out of fruitcake.

Only thing I got left are boring old nuts.

Oh, the problem isn't the fruitcake.

The problem is that everyone, including you,

is acting like a jerk!

Oh, I'll have to solve this on my own.

Whoa!

Dagnabbit, SpongeBob.

You got fruitcake in my Christmas magic analyzer.

Well, I'll be hornswoggled.

My analyzer's found something in the fruitcake.

(GASPS) This is terrible. What is it, Sandy?

The fruitcake is contaminated with Jerktonium.

No wonder I've been as ornery as a sidewinder on a hot driveway.

Jerktonium is the orneriest element of them all,

and your fruitcake is full of it.

Where'd you get it, anyway?

From Plankton. He baked it.

You took food from Plankton and fed it to everyone in town?

Uh-huh. You're an idiot.

Uh-huh.

No wonder everyone in town is a big ol' meanie.

No! I've eaten tons of that fruitcake.

I must be the biggest jerk in town!

Hmm, you don't act jerky.

For some reason, it's not affecting you.

It must be a combination of your tiny brain and pure heart.

You're immune to Jerktonium, SpongeBob,

but the rest of us will need an antidote.

I'll set the analyzer to calculate the formula.

(Beeping)

Why, this formula for the antidote don't make no sense at all.

That's no formula, that's a song!

(HUMS CHEERFUL TUNE) # Dum, dum, dah, dah, dum. #

Sandy, the song is the antidote!

(Indistinct yelling)

Oh, yeah?

Well, your fins are fat.

-Says you.

Ahoy, everybody!

(Idyllic music)

(Jazzy holiday music)

# Bring joy to the world, # it's the thing to do.

# But the world # does not revolve around you.

# Don't be a jerk.

# It's Christmas!

# Be nice to babies and animals, # and old folks, too.

# 'Cause that's # how you'd like them to treat you.

# Use turn signals.

# Don't screen my calls.

# Don't you wreck the house # when you deck the halls.

# Spit your gum # where it won't wind up on my shoe.

# Squeeze toothpaste # from the bottom of the tube.

# Don't be a jerk.

# It's Christmas.

# It's Christmas! #

(Jazzy holiday music continues)

(LAUGHS)

# When others are talking, # never interrupt.

# Don't put people down # or leave the toilet seat up.

# It's the time # for family and holly and turkey.

# 'Tis the season # to be jolly, not jerky.

(ALL) # Jolly, not jerky!

# Santa brought # nearly every gift on your list.

# Why whine # about the one that he missed?

# Don't be a jerk.

# It's Christmas.

# It's Christmas!

# Don't be a jerk.

# It's Christmas! #

(Holiday music)

Congratulations, SpongeBob! Your song worked.

And not a moment too soon.

Santa should be here any minute.

You ain't kidding. Here he comes now!

("Jingle Bells" on ukulele)

Oh, boy! Santa, you made it!

-Whoa, ho, ho, ho! Cool your jets there, son.

I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad tidings.

Oh, no. Oh, yes.

It seems you're all on my naughty list this year.

Naughty list? No buts about it.

You've all been a bunch of jerks.

But... But nothing.

Coal for everyone...

except Plankton.

(All) What?

-I'm just as surprised as you.

But compared to the rest of you, he's been a Saint.

Here you go, Sheldon.

I believe this is what you asked for.

Me secret formula? How did you get that?

I have my ways.

-Um, dad. Huh?

Get out of me pocket, you foul goblin!

(STAMMERING) But... but... but... but...

But, Santa, you've got it all wrong!

-On the contrary, SpongeBob.

You're the worst of all.

(Yelling)

-Why, there you go right now, wreaking havoc!

(Screaming)

-Uh-oh.

(ROBOTIC VOICE) "I am ready to destroy Christmas."

(Intense tension music)

"Destroy Santa."

You want Santa...

you gotta get through me!

"Okey-dokey."

(GROANS) -Oh, my.

(WEAKLY) Is that all you got?

(SPLUTTERING)

(FADING) (YELLING)

I'm outta here.

You do realize this counts as naughty?

You put that jolly elf down, you big tin imposter!

Hot from the oven, full of lovin'!

(Electronics crackling)

Hurry up, Santa, hop on!

Thanks again for saving my keister.

Oh, it was nothing.

You're clearly a very good lad,

unlike the owner of that wind-up monstrosity.

(Cheerful music)

What have you got there?

"If found, please return to the Chum Bucket."

(YELLS) Plankton!

-Uh-oh.

Hand it over, Sheldon. Don't make it any worse.

-Okay, boys, let's give Plankton what he deserves.

-(SCREAMS)

So long, kiddies!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Hey, has anyone seen Patrick?

(GIGGLING)

Gotcha!

(Soft intriguing music)

(CAPTAIN) Santa's workshop?

I'm here, Santa! I'm here!

-(SQUAWKS) I'm not going in.

-Santa!

(Dreamy music)

There's only one thing I want for Christmas,

and it's to meet me hero, SpongeBob SquarePants.

(SANTA) (CHUCKLING)

-Argh?

(Growling)

(YELLING) Let go! No, no!

-I think stealing a mail truck definitely counts as naughty.

Wouldn't you say, Potty?

-I sure would, Santa.

(BOTH) (LAUGH)

(BOTH) Merry Christmas!

(Closing theme)